My wife and I are suffering ‘lesbian bed death’. Is there any way back?

My wife and I, both women in our 60s, have been together for more than 20 years. We stopped having sex about 13 years ago, due to a combination of getting a dog (who sleeps with us) and her going through the menopause. I had a bit of a lull in my own libido when I went through menopause about nine years ago, but it came roaring back. She is not interested in sex at all and is also resentful that I have a hoarding problem, even though I’m in therapy for it. I think she may be using that as an excuse to withhold affection (when asked, she doesn’t confirm or deny it). Do you think there is any hope that we can resolve our “lesbian bed death”? We’re in couples therapy, but I don’t think it is helping much.

The stance of “withholding affection” can be a fully conscious act or it can be unconscious. In other words, a person might be fully committed to her partner and (in principle) wish to be intimate, yet deeply held resentment arrests that desire. I’m glad you are in couples therapy, as, over time, that could break the impasse between you and heal various issues that may have arisen in the past. Try to avoid labelling your lack of intimacy as “lesbian bed death”, since that catch-all phrase can support a helpless attitude. Your partnership is far from a cliche.

During your many years together – for all kinds of understandable reasons – you have mutually made unspoken agreements to allow dogs, menopause and life in general to interrupt your erotic connection without your finding the way back. The fact that your libido has come “roaring back” is a wonderful thing for you, but your partner is clearly not ready. Be gentle, patient, understanding, open, attentive … and do the work.

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